Yahoo Shine! recently posted an article here about how fast Christina Aguilera began dating right after her marriage ended. And pictures are all over the web showing Jesse James dating Kat Von D right after his marriage to Sandra Bullock ended. But, those are celebrities, right? What does that have to do with you, fighting with your ex about custody and visitation, or in the middle of a divorce? It should be a warning that, just like celebrities, you, too, will be judged by who you date when it comes you are involved in a custody dispute.
In Illinois, only those people who have an effect on the child's life may be considered by the court when determining who will have custody of your children. So, if you are dating, and are not introducing the children to your date, you will be seen as doing what is in the best interest of your children. In fact, most therapists say the best policy is to not introduce your children to a new girlfriend or boyfriend until you have dated that person for at least six months. Why so long? Because you do not want your children to get attached to someone that might go away. And, like it or not, the first few people you date after your break-up are likely "rebound" dates. Six months of dating gives you time to figure out if your date is really the type of person you want around your children.
Remember, your children are still dealing with their parents splitting up. Children are resilient, but they take time to come to terms with the new situation - different house, different schedules, different feelings. They are still trying to figure out what they did wrong to cause the two of you to stop loving each other. Children typically blame themselves when things go wrong. It is not logical, and may not be reality. But that doesn't matter - they are your children, and you want to act in their best interests - not yours. And acting in your children's best interests means having some fun, and dating, but no introducing the date to the kids for at least six months.
In a custody, divorce, or visitation case, the judge does not care about you, or your ex. The judge is only concerned about the best interests of the children. And, any activity which does not have an effect on children does not typically concern the judge. However, the father who introduces every date to his children, telling them to call the girlfriend, "Mommy," will not impress a judge. Neither will the mother who brings the new boyfriend to court, and who lets the boyfriend spend more time with the child than the father. It simply is not the best position to take if you want to gain custody of your children. Because that position will get you labeled as "having a revolving door on your bedroom," and "putting your own needs before those of your children." For Illinois parents, stability is very important element when the courts are deciding who should have custody of the children.
Taking either one of the above positions, you, the dating parent, will be seen as unstable, and selfish, choosing to put your needs above the needs of your children. Any attorney with these facts at his/her disposal, will argue that you are definitely not a responsible parent, and that you should not be granted custody of your children. You must understand that in a custody battle, all is fair in court and law. Your every move will be under a microscope and will be examined and dissected, in excruciating detail, by opposing counsel if you and your ex cannot agree on custody.
So, here's the plain, hard truth: dating during divorce doesn't really hurt, but it definitely does not help your custody case. Being single for a while never hurt anyone. If nothing else, it gives you the opportunity to catch up on your reading, rebuild your self-esteem, and allow you to spend some much-needed time with your friends that you may have been ignoring.
Oh, yeah, one more thing: definitely turn off your social media pages. The last thing you want is opposing counsel getting their hands on your Facebook pictures, or your myspace pages, or your tweets. Any attorney worth his or her salt will use those pages and those pictures to imply that you are drunk or high, or partying far more often than you are sober. Unless you are made of money, time spent on Facebook during a custody or visitation battle is just not worth the legal fees it could possibly cost you.
Call the Gosteli Law Firm today at 618-740-0430 to find out how we can help you with your Illinois divorce, custody, visitation or parentage case.
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